4:21 PM
April 15, 2007 was a heartbreaking day in the Caswell household. And it had absolutely nothing to do with taxes. We said goodbye to our dear, sweet dog, Sadie. The day before, she had taken a literal sudden turn for the worst. After a long bout with bladder cancer, the pain had obviously become too much for her. One of my most difficult images was of her trying desparately to jump up on the bed that night before. She could not do it. She had never had trouble before. So, I laid on the floor beside her.

After a long night, we took her into the vet's first thing Sunday morning. Through the months of her illness, I always prayed that God would make it clear when it was time to let her go. In His mercy, He made it very clear that day. We, of course, stayed with her until she breathed her last.

A cloud hung over us all that week, as we forced ourselves to pack her things away. We missed her so much.

Then, God did a surprising thing. He led Ed to petfinder.com, which in turn, led us to see the cutest pic of a Lab-mix pup. Although, we were still in shock over losing Sadie, it seemed like it wouldn't hurt to go and just take a look at this puppy. The next thing I know, we're heading back home, and I've got a 4-month-old pup on my lap. We decided to name her Kiki (short for Waikiki Beach). She is a crazy, loveable, acrobatic clown of a dog.

Just take a look at that face! While it didn't take away the pain of losing our Sadie, Kiki's love has sure helped with the lonliness.

Oh, uh, gotta go, Kiki's reminding me it's dinnertime.

5:48 PM
Well, our furry child remains with us. Our Sadie keeps going and going and going...She doesn't really act like a dog dying of cancer. Bladder infections are frequent, but other than that, she eats like a chowhound, kisses with vigor, barks with conviction, growls like a diva, as usual.

I realized the other day that I tend to pay more attention to the little things she does. I let her outside, and she rolled in the snow and I laughed at the way it covered her face, and dripped from her whiskers. I stood there and watched every move she made, and treasured her antics. I attribute the attention to detail to the fact that I don't know how much longer I'll have to watch such things. So, I looked at the ugly fact of her cancer, and the deep pain it has caused as a gift covered in horrible wrapping paper.

On an even more difficult level, I have a friend suffering the pain of a recent miscarriage. Any miscarriage is horrible, but this comes after six years of infertility, and having pretty much given up the idea of ever getting pregnant. It seemed like such a perfect surprise from God to bless them with a pregnancy at this time. So, why shatter their dreams like that? (Why, Abba Daddy, why????)

But my friend's suffering makes me pray. And it makes me love her even more. It makes me reach out to her with great compassion and unselfish care. And the pain makes her pray. And no, not today, but soon, she will smile again. She will laugh again. She will trust her Abba Daddy again.

I think that's what King Hezekiah was talking about when he said, "But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too...Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish." (Is 38:15-17)

Or maybe Joseph when he said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." (Gen 50:20)

Or maybe it's what God means when He says, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer 29:11-13)

I guess I can't really seek God with all my heart until I discover just how great a pain my heart can hold. And I guess I won't really find how great His comfort and love is until my heart breaks from the pain.

So, the gift of pain comes in ugly wrapping paper. But, I won't hesitate to open it.

11:26 AM
Take a spin on Thots of Wander:

High School 25th Reunion: Didn't go. Didn't matter. For the first time, it truly didn't matter who I used to be.

Getting Older: Simultaneously Sucky and Fascinating. Sucks: the gray, the wrinkles, the increasing aches and pains. Fascinating: the freedom, the knowledge, the wisdom, the increasing bank account. (disclaimer: NOT about money at all, just that I know God gives good gifts, and I am increasingly thankful)

My Teenager Niece: I am 20 years younger when I hang out with her. We laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. (Keep your promise, HG!)

Marriage: I look at that man whom I have known for, umm, some amount of years. (I'm bad with numbers) We are as opposite as they come. I guarantee match.com or E-harmony would never have placed us together. Good thing we went with God.com, G-Harmony. Totally God. Totally Good. I love my sci-fi choir boy.

Thanks for riding the Thots of Wander. Please exit to your right.

2:46 PM

It's worse not knowing than knowing the worst.

I wasn't sure if that was a true statement or not. Now, I think it's accurate.

Yesterday, we found out the worst. Our dog indeed has cancer.

Seems unreal because I was so sure the Lord would pull a miracle out of this one. You see, my husband has lost three dear family members in the last two years. That's a lot of pain to sort through, coming at you at breakneck speed. So, I was really believing the Lord, our dear Heavenly Father who gives good gifts to His children, would ease up on this one. Allow us to see a positive answer to prayer in regards to our "furry child." Plus, Sadie has been a comfort through all these years of infertility hardship. Surely, God would grant us this small gift, a small miracle.

And then....the test results.

At first, my husband and I just fell into each other's arms and sobbed. We asked, "Why?" We wept. We wondered what was happening to us.

But then, strangely, we felt hope. My husband said, "It's time to dry our tears, and fight this."

So, we decided to go the chemo route. As long as Sadie is enjoying her life, we will do everything we can to extend it. If she begins to suffer, then we will consider what's best for her.

And, I still believe our dear Heavenly Father will continue to give good gifts. Perhaps it was His gift that we caught this when we did, perhaps it will give her more time. Perhaps it is His gift to let us know we don't have a lot of time left with her, so make the most of it. I have no idea.

But, now that I know the worst, I can take action. Know better how to pray. And trust. With all my heart.

Sometimes the worst leads us to the best.

11:33 AM
The clock never ticked so loudly.

I sit here today, waiting for test results. No, not for pregnancy, but for cancer. And no, not for myself or my husband, but for our dog. Our furry child. Pet-parents understand. And pet-parents who are childless really, really understand.

Our Sadie is ten years old. They discovered two masses in her bladder. So, today we receive biopsy news as to whether they are cancerous or something else. We have been praying for something else. Not that I expect my dog to live forever, but we have suffered three losses on my husband's side of the family in the last two years. I am really praying that God will give us one small break on this one, the only "child" I have.

I have perspective. It could be way worse. It could be one of us. Or another loved one. But, that doesn't negate the pain I feel for Sadie, the tears I have shed so far in thinking she might be taken soon. I'm pretty sure I still need her.

I wait for the phone call.

The clock never ticked so loudly.

12:46 PM
I have a simple friend.

No, she's not simple in the way of not being smart. She's really smart.

What I mean is, she has a way of simplifying things so that they resonate with gentle intricacies that stick with you, and lead you to a calming sense of understanding. (Apparent from this rather jumbled sentence, I do not posess this "gift of simplification.")

For example, the other day, she noted that she'd come to a simpler and deeper understanding of how to apply Matthew 6:33 in our lives. Jesus states:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

(The whole lesson, prior to Jesus' saying this, was driving home the point that we are not to worry. Not to worry about what we would have to eat, or wear, all that stuff that we, well...worry about.)

My friend applied the verse this way:
Seek Him. See Him. Serve Him.

Wow. That nails it. In a proverbial nutshell. Simple. Clean. Attainable.

So, mull on that awhile. What does that look like in your life? To seek Him, to see Him, to serve Him. And how can that diminish worry?

It's really simple.

2:56 PM
I know a hero.

She just endured surgery to remove one of her ovaries, which had grown to the size of a grapefruit, and twisted in on itself, causing internal bleeding and excruciating pain.

She's a hero.

I know another hero.

She's carrying a baby in her womb. Held safe for seven, maybe eight months now. But, in the past, she had endured mulitple miscarriages. She was hesitant to celebrate this miracle in her womb. Held safe so far.

She's a hero.

I know another hero.

He's stuck with me all these years. Through the ups and downs of infertility. Through the disappointment, the depression, the disillusionment, the devastation. Through it all, he has remained beside me, loving me.

He's a hero.

I know and love a few heroes in my life.